Loving Evenly Across the Family Line

By: Katherine Asbery

I can remember vividly when we decided to have another child. My heart was wracked with emotions that I was not sure I wanted to visit. Could I love another baby as much as my son? Could I put his needs aside to answer to a crying infant? Would my heart expand and fill with another child as much as he had filled me? I asked other mothers with two, three, or four children. How did they feel? How did it happen? I knew I would love my second child, that was not a doubt...but would I love him or her as much as I did my first? How could I possibly do that? He was my heart and soul. I asked others and myself often, even throughout my pregnancy. I still had my doubts. I loved that little guy growing under my heart, but still not with the fierceness that I loved the one in my arms. I was destined to be a faulty mother. Then came his birth. And the weeks of bonding with him through multiple nursing sessions made me see why I got that funny look in the eyes of other mothers that I had interviewed. Of course I had room to love my two boys. Of course my heart could grow to encompass them both. Do I love them equally? Not all the time. Not when my oldest is pushing my youngest son down the slide at break-neck speeds, or when the baby has somehow gotten his diaper off and smeared a present for me all over the bed when I am supposed to be having “Mommy and Big Boy” time. But love them I do. And I try to be fair in my expression of it to each of them. So no one feels outdone, or left out.  But do you ever wonder about those children that are obviously loved more than their siblings? Or not loved enough? And the lifelong effects that can occur when that happens?

Let us think of the child that is the "beloved" child in the family. They do no wrong. They get candy before meal times, make their own bedtimes, always get to pick the family movie and are never held accountable for wrongdoings that occur in everyday life. Even if they are blatantly at fault, their bad behavior can be explained neatly away. A child of a friend of mine comes to mind. Her first daughter, who is five, can do no wrong. Nothing. Not when she talks back, not when she is rude, not when she is physically aggressive to others, nothing. Her teachers cannot say one negative thing about this child without having the wrath of the mother falling upon their heads. Now, Claire is a good child, not evil at heart, but she is never held accountable for the things she does. Her mother goes behind her like the queen's court and picks up the pieces of her life and straightens them out while apologizing for her behavior all the way. There are not any consequences. Claire wouldn't know how to deal with them anyway. When she throws a fit for something, she is given it with a sigh. If she doesn't like what is for dinner, her mother gets up and fixes something new. Not so with Holly, Claire's three year old sister. Holly does nothing right. She didn't talk as soon as Claire; she isn't as cute as Claire (according to her mother in earshot of Holly and Claire); she isn't as personable, as smart, as fun to play with. Her needs are shoved aside so that Claire's can be met. People close to the family see that this is being done, but no one says a word. Holly is quiet, reserved, and has a sad look in her eyes. At day care, she pushes other children and often tells them they cannot share toys because they are hers. When given extra attention, Holly will securely attach herself to that adult and not let other children come close. She is territorial with any expressed love that is given to her. She is a sweet girl with a giving disposition that few people get to witness.

Flip ahead 10 years. Claire is now 15 and quite a handful in high school although her parents will never admit to it. She still gets ok grades and is the life of the party. She defies curfews, is secretly smoking, and is sexually active. Her parents overlook rumors that they hear about her from other parents. It cannot be their child. Those parents are jealous of their daughter's good looks, good grades, and bright future. They are small town people and their daughter is a big town girl to be! Their youngest daughter has caused them no trouble. They even forget that she is there at times. She gets good grades, the teachers like her; she is babysitting on the side to earn spending money because they do not have anything extra to give her since they just bought Claire a car in anticipation of her 6th birthday. Holly is in sports and gets her mentoring through coaches and other girl's mothers since her parents have always farmed her out to babysitters and her friends’ homes so that they may enjoy weeks away from their children. She wants to go to college and at 13 is working with the school counselor to figure out a major she would like to explore further. Her parents have no idea. They don't know her interests or her likes. They don't know Holly. All they know is that she exists on the peripheral and they can continue to focus on Claire, as usual.

In another 10 years, Claire is now 25 and still living at home. She has tried to move out, but cannot handle her own finances. She dates men that use and abuse her. She drinks too much. She is pregnant, again. Her parents don't know what they did wrong. Holly on the other hand, graduated from college and has just landed a great job with a successful business. She has moved away and does quite well. She paid for college herself, pays her bills on time, and is engaged to be married to a nice young man. Her parents look at their daughters. Such polar opposites, as they always have been, and wonder. What caused this?