It was a beautiful, sunny day. The flowers were blooming and it felt that perhaps nothing could make this day more special. It was the day that that you promised to be true. In the good times and the bad, in sickness and in health. You promised to love and honor, forsaking all others, until death. However, after years together and several children, those dreams have shattered. The hope for ‘happily ever after’ seemed to disappear. What happens next and more importantly, what happens to your children? This is the cycle that we know too often as divorce.
Divorce is not just about two people no longer sharing the same home, but it is the reinvention of two separate lives that were bonded together as one. Statistics show that divorce and separation affects marriages within the first 15 years. One million children in America are involved in a new divorce annually (Divorce Magazine, 2005). It is hard to imagine a more difficult transition for a child than to watch their parents divorce.
While it may be seen as an issue for both mothers and fathers, divorce often causes children to feel fear, loss, abandonment and parental tension as a “routine” aspect of their lives. According to the article, “The Effects of Divorce on Children and How to Cope” (Parker, 2006), there are a number of perspectives on how children view divorce:
§Fear of Change: The children in a divorcing family know that nothing will ever be the same again, and their once secure world is now in a state of change. Many things will be a part of this change, outside of not living with one of the two parents. Change can affect daily routines.
§Fear of Abandonment: Children have a realistic fear that losing one parent could cause the loss of the other. The concept of being alone in the world becomes frightening for a child of any age.
§Losing Attachment: Children who may have a natural attachment for their parents can also have a fear of losing other secure relationships (i.e. friends, pets, or siblings). Children become attached to their surroundings and moving into a new neighborhood or home can cause a negative reaction.
§Coping with Parental Tension: Many divorces follow years of tension between husbands and wives, and the tension level typically increases during and shortly after a divorce. Parents who try to turn their children against the other spouse create a difficult situation.
How a child will react to divorce depends on the stability of the home life. For some children, separation and divorce can become a sense of relief, especially if verbal or even physical concerns should develop during the marriage. Children feel a sense of responsibility for a marriage that has ended. This in turn could cause short-term signs of psychological effects, which can show up in a variety of ways.
The psychological effects of divorce on children such as depression, also known as divorce-related depression, can be short-term with the potential of having long-term damage. Although it is natural for children to become upset over a parent’s divorce, there are particular indicators that a child may be depressed. Some signs that might indicate divorce-related depression include:
-Losing interest in activities
-Excessive withdrawal
-Consistent fears of many unrelated things
-Becoming clingy and infantile
-Anger and acting-out behavior
-Difficulty sleeping
-Inability to eat or over-eating
-Academic problems such as a dramatic drop in grades
-Use of drugs/alcohol
-Self-injury, rage and violent behavior
-Grief
-Behavior problems in school
-Running away from home
-Decreased self-esteem and feelings of hopelessness
Children feel a sense of responsibility for a marriage that has ended. This in turn could cause short-term signs of psychological effects, which can show up in a variety of ways.
